It's a Miracle Somebody Sold Miracle Whip This Slogan

Sometimes I wish I'd gone into advertising. Like now. Let's do it. As of right now, the advertising firm of Rombach+Rombach is open for business.

First on the docket is pointing out how very, very bad Miracle Whip is. As a thing you're allegedly supposed to put on food, but also as a chooser of how to advertise their dubious white stuff that I can still taste in my mouth, despite not having put it in my mouth for over 20 years.

Look at this:

Keep an open mouth? That's what you came up with? The ad people laid ideas on the table and you went with keep an open mouth.

Well, it worked. My mouth was open a little bit as I stared at that.

Miracle Whip, sit down for a minute. Listen. It's not that I don't know where to begin with pointing out what I find wrong about your ad campaign, it's that I'm not sure I'll know where to end.

Keep an open mind comes to mind, naturally. And those are words most often used by crazy people trying to wedge their foot in the door on the mind of a not-crazy people while they pass them a flyer or talk excitedly about how if you fold a dollar a certain way it reveals a terrorist plot or the benefits of an all-something diet or the one true path followed by only a few, probably because of their recruiting staff. And you've thrown in with that approach.

Sounding like you're trying to convince people of something you know they're not going to buy.

Like tangy, sort-of mayonnaise, in this case. Same stuff my little sister put on a sandwich at a banquet when we were kids because the guest of honor liked Miracle Whip somehow and my little sister, bless her, said really loud: "Eww . . . this mayonnaise is rotten." And then she wiped her tongue off with a napkin and I find that to be an almost universal reaction to your product, Miracle Whip. So you might as well have gone with the following for your new slogan –

"Eww . . . this stuff tastes rotten. But some people like it, for some reason. Maybe you're one of those people?"

And "Join the Cause"? It sounds like you're soliciting contributions for an animal shelter.

Is this a maneuver to announce preparations for bankruptcy? If so, very clever.

Here's the Rombach+Rombach alternative –

Think outside the mayo.

 Doesn't make a whole lot more sense than keep an open mouth . . . which, I forgot to mention, brings to mind people chewing with their mouths open. Just the sort of refined, elegant, image you're shooting for, I'm sure.

I'm going to have to cut this conference short, Miracle Whip . . . Mayonnaise just called and we're going to revise the text on their labeling. Just some minor tweaks. Like, "Refrigerate unless you want it to taste like Miracle Whip."

Call me if you want to discuss Think Outside The Mayo. My little sister probably has some good ideas too.