Waltzing Right Out

'And Furthermore' Wallowa County Chieftain, January 2013

 My New Year’s resolution last year was to not make any New Year’s resolutions this year. I’ve broken most of my resolutions in the past, so it seemed best to break the cycle. But I’m going to break my resolution to not make resolutions because I came up with an even better approach. The weak link responsible for breaking previous resolutions was always me, so I realized I should just make New Year’s resolutions for other people. This is a much better system.

I’ll start with the important stuff. Road construction traffic flaggers, this resolution is for you. This year I don’t want you motioning toward the only possible route to take more than once per car. I know you’ve got a job to do. But believe me, we all know which way to go. We can see the bright orange cones. Not only can we can see the other line of cars that just went by, we’ve been praying for them to get here. The flashing light on the pilot car with a gigantic FOLLOW ME sign does a fantastic job of getting the message across. We get it.

Tom Farnam practicing tai chi with a road sign.

Yet you insist on pointing and waving and pointing and waving as if you’re going to avert some kind of disaster. The only people who would need that much instruction are screened by the DMV because they don’t issue drivers licenses to infants. So, please. Just stop with the constant arm waving. Every time you do that I feel obliged to act confused and pretend I’m going to drive over the cones like I don’t understand and I say we just call a truce. You can make your one arm motion per vehicle and stop at that. Just turning the sign around to SLOW is more than enough. But I’ll give you the one arm motion as a compromise. Thank you. That’s been bothering me for quite a while.

Now, pedestrians crossing our Main Streets out here, I’ve got a resolution for you. This may be unpopular with the Tourism Board because it’s directed at visitors. It’s pretty common practice out here for rigs to stop and let people walk across the street. It’s one of those quaint country living things. Courtesy. I’m all for it. But it’s a two-way street, this courtesy. According to a survey I did this past tourism season, everybody eating an ice cream cone on Main Steet in Joseph just waltzed right out in front of my truck paying no never mind. I know that’s not how it works in the city because there wouldn’t be anyone left in the city if that’s how you operated.

So my resolution for people about to walk out in front of me this year is that you look up first and wait half a second. I will slow down and wave you across – not more than once because that’s the new limit  – then you will say, Gosh, people sure are nice out here and that will be it. Otherwise I’m going to park, get out and start following you around, walking slowly across your path as you try to go about your business.

That’s about as far as I got on making resolutions for other people. Let’s see . . . world peace, I guess . . . no, I take that back. Most everybody’s been calling for world peace off and on since way back and it doesn’t seem to do any good. So I’m sticking with courtesy. Everybody, your New Year’s resolution for this year is just courtesy. It’s a nice one-word shorthand for “Do unto others” and “Walk a mile in someone’s shoes” and all those other fine guidelines that seem to lose traction at the first sign of friction.

You don’t even have to be especially nice. You can not like someone or something and still be courteous. It will look like sarcasm maybe, but that’s just a risk you’re going to have to take.

So Happy New Year to everyone in Wallowa County, also the fine folks at the Mayan calendar factory and everyone else out there. Now go be courteous.

Jon Rombach is a local columnist for the Chieftain. His mom taught him to look both ways before crossing the street. And to be courteous. She’s a nice lady. You’d like her.